What if?
by stargwynn
Summary: On the anniversary of Charlie's death, strange things start happening.
1. Chapter 1

Spin off of the themes running through "Fragile Balance" "COld Lazarus" and even a little of "Demon you know".

PROLOGUE:

"WHAT IF?"

He asked himself this question a lot at one time. Now he tried not to dwell on what had past, for he knew it could only lead to obsession, saddness and despair. No, he could never forgive himself, so he had to forget. However, today was a day that forced remembrance. It was three years to the day, to that fateful day Charlie discovered his father's gun and tragedy descended upon the O'Neill household. Jack couldn't help but feel angry and guilty as he walked through the entrance of Cheyenne Mountain into the life he now lead...the life that was a direct result of his son's death. If he hadn't been in a self-destructive, hopeless state, the air force would never have approached him for the Abydos mission. His entire existence and role at the Sg-c was built on the foundation of his son's death. How could he now saunter into the now-familiar briefing room and joke with his friends and teammates...

Chapter I

"P9326x may provide answers we have all been searching for for generations." Carter stated impressively.

"Is that right, Major Carter? In that case, please continue." Gen. Hammond had grown tired of routinely fruitless briefings and missions to what were supposed to be exciting new worlds...strange how extraterrestrial assignments could become boring! Perhaps this mission would prove otherwise. Little did he know how true that thought would prove.

"This may very well be the long-sought after Land of Oz." Sam's eyes twinkled with merriment as she shot them in Jack's direction. Her CO was known to insert as many references to the Wizard of Oz into their proffesional lives as possible. She knew this was a difficult day for him and thought he would enjoy the joke to lighten the mood and ease the tension. He didn't even look up, in fact he hadn't heard a word she said.

"Explain yourself, Major?" Hammond said in a mock-stern voice. He knew very well the context of the joke, and would have enjoyed it much more if Jack had reacted with his characteristic sarcasm and humor. Daniel glanced at Jack quickly, then looked away. He didn't look good. He obviously hadn't slept last night, and hadn't shown up in the commisary for his usual bowl of fruitloops. Teal'c showed no perceptible sign of noticing the Colonel's behavior, but there was a slight twitch in one of his eyebrows.

"Just a joke, sir. Sorry, but the civilization there appears to be something right out of the book...tall glistening towers...strange flowers and plants, the roads seem to be paved with a dirt yellowish in color-possibly due to its high sandstone content...the indiginous people even seem to travel by something close to what we would call air balloons." Jack gradually started paying attention as Carter continued describing preliminary findings on this very interesting planet.

The team exchanged glances..unsure what to make of the briefing...but at least Jack seemed slightly interested in the mission. His mind was off other matters and on to the one at hand...which was what he always said was vital in a mission: focus. Everything else gets left on the other side of the Stargate where it belonged. Jack did his best this day, and as the team explored the area around the gate, he thought maybe he would make it through this day after all. Just then he heard a familiar, somehow haunting sound...he cautiously headed toward the origin of the noise. Jack stopped in his tracks, eyes wide and locked on what they beheld: Charlie playing baseball. The boy glanced at Jack, met his eyes and there was a flash of recognition...and something else...anger and hurt. The two held the gaze for but a moment, then Charlie picked up his ball and ran away into the bushes, leaving jack standing there in disbelief and utter confusion.

"What is it, Jack?" Daniel said from behind him. Sam and Teal'c were beside the archaelogist, asking the same question with their eyes.

O'Neill started at the sound of Daniel's voice and turned toward him quickly, mouth open and speachless, then he looked back where he had seen Charlie.

"Nothing...nothing here, people. You three head toward the city, I'll stay by the stargate and watch our exit." He pushed by the others and headed to the stargate.

"Alright...?" The others said confusedly as they marched on. Jack watched them walk away with unseeing eyes. 


	2. Chapter 2

After returning to earth, Sg-1 had their de-briefing. There was no mention of O'Neill's strange behavior, but Hammond noted that something was amiss with his flagship team. There was a lack of enthusiasm. Certainly, the reports were detailed and accurate and very professional. A little too proffessional, Hammond thought.

Coming home bullet chased from a stressful special ops mission, Jack O'Neill walked up to the house where charlie was throwing a baseball to himself, in anticipation of his father's homecoming. Father and son hugged. Jack was glad to see him but so tired and distracted by the events of his mission...

"Wanna play, dad? you said on the phone as soon as you got home we could play baseball again!"

"Yeah, I know charlie, but i'm bushed. Not up to playing right now."

"How about a water fight?" bang bang! he squirted his dad with a gun he was holding behind his back. Jack jumped, knocked the gun out of his hand violently and shouted,

"Don't play with that!"

"Its just a water gun!" Charlie sniffled, frightened and hurt. Jack stood there accused and silent before his whimpering son. What had he done? he had never hit Charlie before...he and sarah were everything to him. In confusion Jack said,

"Guns and shooting are not someting to play...they hurt people..." even kill them, he thought, recalling the good men he had lost just yesterday in a secret mission gone terribly bad.

"You have a gun..you use guns at work!" charlie yelled accusingly.

"That's different." Jack croaked...from the mouths of babes...was it different? Angry at his own confusion, being a confident and self-assured man, he said,

"We're not playing ball or with guns..now go to your room...you do not speak to your father like that!" Charlie ran to the house, tears streaming down his face and confusion and hurt in his eyes. Jack looked down in shame...what had he done? His son was waiting for the father he loved to spend time with him for the first time in months...and this was how he treated him? He wanted to run after charlie, patch things up...play ball with him after all...but then bang! bang! The sounds reverberated in his head and ears. it came from Jacks den...charlie? no, that didn't happen for a week after this...he didn't run after Charlie, he didn't speak to him or play ball...ever again.

"Noooo!" Jack woke up screaming and sweating. Every muscle was taught and he breathed heavily. A dream...another dream..."Its ok" he tried calming himself...no it wasn't! first what happened on the planet, now this? No things were not alright...this was how it was three years ago...

He got up slowly from his bed. He was so shaky he thought he might fall right on his face. THat wouldn't be any good, he thought. He never could pass up the chance to laugh things up or at least make lame attempt to lighten them up a bit. This worked great on missions...but this wasn't a mision...this was something much harder for Jack O'Neill to deal with, and now his personal life was invading his work offworld. What was Charlie doing there? They were literally part of two different worlds. Pull it together, Jack!

The next day found SG-1 back at the "Oz" planet, as the team had affectionately coined it. Teal'c noted how tense O'Neill was; eyes shifting here and there, shuffling his feet (more than usual) and most alarming to Teal'c, a blatant lack of incomprehensible "jokes" as the humans called them. All of a sudden the Colonel's head shot up, his body stiff and straight as a board.

"What is it O'Neill?" Teal'c queried. "Have you seen something?"

"Ah...(cough)...no..." But his eyes remained fixed at the same spot, lines of pain and confusion mapping his face. Sam and Daniel had overheard this exchange and looked in the direction of Jack's focused gaze.

"Looks like that boy has a baseball and glove from earth." Daniel remarked. Jack's gaze shot back to Daniel.

"You see him?"

"Of course..." Daniel answered.

"You mean, he's actually there?"

"Yes, sir. Did you want to talk to him? Ask him about the planet and where he got the baseball?" Sam asked. The expressions that passed Jack's face in the following 5 seconds were too numerous and varied to count. He finally opened his mouth to speak, but no words formed. Finally he nodded his head. The four walked over to the boy, who was oblivious to their presence. To get his attention, Sam touched the boy's shoulder.

"Hello. My name is Samantha Carter. Are you from that city?"

"Hi. I'm Charlie O'Neill from Earth."


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm Charlie O'Neill from Earth. You must come from there, too." Charlie said matter-of-factly, while ignoring his father's presence completely. Sam looked quizzically first at the Colonel, then the rest of the team. Daniel tightened his lips and winced in confusion. Glancing momentarily at Jack, he then knelt down next to Charlie.

"It's...um..nice to meet you, Charlie. My name is Daniel. I work with your dad." Charlie gave no reaction. Daniel continued, "How did you get here?"

"He said I would be happier here." Charlie finally looked at his father pointedly.

"Who said that? Who brought you here?"

"I like it here. I have a new dad and mom." There was a moment of silence. Everyone was waiting for Jack to say something, but he couldn't. He didn't even know what to think just yet. It was too much for his mind, or his heart to comprehend. The loss of Charlie, and subsequently the loss everything else in his life was something so buried, yet so much a part of him that it was almost impossible to examine. Now, here was Charlie, in the flesh, standing before him. It seemed the world was upside down, and he didn't know which way was up. In the end, it was Teal'c who found composure and sense,

"Would you take us to your abode?"

"Sure. Follow me."

* * *

"I never expected this...its all very confusing...disconcerting really...especially with _you _here." That was when Jack came back to life, to reality.

"Why, you..." In one swift move he had crossed the room and picked up the snivling man by his shirt. "That is _my son! "_

_"_Easy, Jack!" Daniel and Teal'c restrained him.

"I believe an explanation is in order." Forever, Teal'c was the reasonable one.

"I can tell you as much as I know." The shifty surrogate father began, looking hesitantly at Charlie. It was then that Jack noticed how much older Charlie looked. It was still definitely Charlie, but he had aged three years, and at that age, three years is a long time.

"An alien from a distant planet brought Charlie here. He asked if I would look after him as my own. I have. Charlie knows the rest. I don't quite understand." Charlie continued.

"The alien called himself Lo-Key, but I never saw him. Only heard his voice. The last I remember being home was that night after my dad and I fought..." Jack winced at the recalled memory. THat was the last memory Charlie had had of his dad...wait...

"Wait..."Jack interupted, his eyes lighted points of pain. "You died. I held you in the hospital...I felt you _die. _What is this? Some kind of sick trick?" Jack's voice had reached a nervous pitch, and for a moment there, the commanding officer's voice had cracked, and tears of anger and grief started forming in his eyes, only to be pushed back.

"I know that's what you thought. Lo-key told me the clone died, so he couldn't send me back home. I didn't want to anyway."

Jack's mind was slow processing this information. Charlie was alive...but he wasn't the Charlie he remembered...because the Charlie of his memories was the idealized version...the one who wasn't angry his father was never home, the one who played ball and laughed...that was the Charlie he invented to cope with his grief...Charlie was alive, but was it better to have the Charlie who loved him, dead, or have the Charlie who hated him in front of him, spewing resentment and disgust with his every look?


	4. Chapter 4

Charlie was alive, but was it better to have the Charlie who loved him, dead, or have the Charlie who hated him in front of him, spewing resentment and disgust with his every look?

Unable to comprehend what had just passed, O'Neill left the house and started walking, just walking anywhere, as long as it was away from the angry, resentful eyes of his son. They bore into his heart. He walked faster, trying to get farther away from the source of his pain, but with every step he took, the heavier his heart felt, the hotter the flame of anguish burned in his soul.

"Should we follow him?" Sam asked worriedly.

"No, leave him alone." Daniel said assuredly. He could only imagine what Jack was going through at this moment. He knew how messed up he was after Charlie's death. Now it seemed all that misery was for nothing. Boy, had Lo-key a lot to answer for. If Jack ever got his hands on that mischievious, meddling...

Several hours had passed, and it was now dark. Carter had made contact with Hammond to update him on the events of the day. Needless to say, the General was flabbergasted, and genuinely concerned for the state of his 2IC. Despite the Colonel's irreverence and sometimes unorthodox methods, he had developed a deep respect for the man, not only militarily, but as a human being. The Colonel was an exceptional person; one who would sacrifice everything for country, world, and, most especially, friend.

"Where is my dad?" Charlie looked up at Teal'c, a worried expression momentarily surfacing on his young features.

"I do not know, Charlie O'Neill, but I am sure he will return." Teal'c had only heard rumors of O'Neill's lost son, and now, to meet him face to face was something he and his teammates had never imagined. The Colonel as a father. They were sure his personlity and demeanor had developed the way they had due largely to the birth and then the tragic loss of his son, as well as the loss of his wife. The Colonel was, some thought, a callous, unfeeling man. But, in reality, he had a sensitive soul driven through a gauntlet of pain and suffering that no one should have to go through. That gauntlet had left his soul scarred, and yes, calloused, but he could never completely deny his true nature. He loved his team, as well as his wife (as evidenced by his concern for her during the events with the crystal entity.) Every now and then a twinkle of his former self resurfaced in carefree moments of levity with his team. Daneil wondered if he would ever see that again, after this, Jack's latest brush with suffering. o much could his spirit handle before it morphed into somehting different entirely?

Acceptance. He had to accept that Charlie was who he was now, and not how he remembered him. NOt only that, but he had to deal with the unpleasant memories shoved back into the abysmal sector of his mind. Charlie had been angry with him when he died. He had never been able to reconcile before the end. That was what had made the whole event, not only hard, but impossible to deal with. He could not go over the events in his head, accepting what had happened, because what had happened had been unacceptable. Charlie had not forgiven him, how could he? He had tried to forget as much as possible. Eventually good memories were the only ones he allowed himself access to, but even those sometimes brought him back to the last conversation with his son. The one he had dreampt of last night. But Charlie was no longer a dream, a tried-to-forget memory. He was back there...waiting for his father? No, he hated him, let him believe he was dead! Gradually anger and determination surged through his being. Damn it! I'm his father! I will go back to him whether he wants it or not. He, nor I have a choice in the matter. With that he picked himself up and headed back to the house.

As he approached the abode, a strange light seemed to appear in the sky above the building. Aasgard! He would recognize that light anywhere! He ran to the house, only to see his son enveloped in the light. He scrambled and tried to grab onto Charlie, but he was transported beyond reach. Jack had fallen on the ground in his desperate attempt. He didn't bother to get up, but stared helplessly at the ceiling. He had lost Charlie again.


	5. Chapter 5

"Jack?" Daniel said the name with many shades of meaning.

"Daniel...get us up there." The archaelogist returned the command with a helpless look. "Carter, any ideas?" She shrugged a response while simultaneously Teal'c said,

"O'Neill, I believe Faraguay may have the answer." Teal'c nodded meaningfully to the alien resident of the house.

"Do you know how to get up there?" Jack approached the man with determined strides. Not wanting a repeat of his last encounter with the Colonel, Faraguay simply handed him a device of asgard technology.

"This will transport you to Loki. He gave it to the boy." Jack turned away from the man and focused on Carter.

"You now how this gadget works?" Knowing a complicated answer was forthcoming, Jack continued, "Figure it out, pronto."

"Yessir."

Time passes, in which O'Neill impatiently paces the floor and fidgets with every doohikey in the house, Teal'c stands straight with his hands laced behind his back, otherwise completely stoic, except when occasionally O'Neill's behavior warrants the raising of an eyebrow or two. Meanwhile, Daniel and Sam are hard at work with the device and divulging further information from Faraguay. Finally Carter chimes up,

"The device apparently only transports one person, sir, and we're not even sure where."

"To Charlie, of course." Jack said simply.

"Well, probably sir, but we don' t know where Charlie is."

"Doesn't matter. Loki stole him away again, and I'm going to bring him back. Give that to me."

"Jack, I really don't think this is a good idea."

"Daniel is correct, O'Neill. You would be transported alone to unknown territory."

"On the contrary, I know exactly where I"d be going and what I'd be dealing with: to help my son and knock around a psychophant alien! Now give me the...thingy!" Daniel contemplated his friend's face, and realized this was one of those things Jack could not be persuaded against. He needed to do this.

"Good luck, Jack. Bring Charlie home." With that Daniel handed the transporter to the Colonel. The two men locked eyes briefly, understanding and support communicated in that fleeting moment.

"I'll be seeing you." White light descended upon the form of the Colonel and he disappeared from sight.

* * *

"Charlie?" Jack had been transported, as he had expected, to and asgard ship orbiting the "Oz" planet. There was no one in sight. "Okay, Loki, I've had enough of this game. Where are ya?"

The voice of a particularly devious asgard reverberated through the empty halls, "It is unfortunate that you have come. I never intended you to know about Charlie."

"'Unfortunate?'" Jack shouted to the disembodied voice. "Unfortunate that you kidnapped my son and let me believe he's been dead these past three years? If you call that 'unfortunate' I wonder what you 'people' would call devastating!"

Again the familiar light transported Jack. This time in front of Loki.

"That's more like it. Face to face. Now, you've got some explaining to do, and then you are going to transport me and my son to the surface."

"The first, I will gladly oblige, the second I"m afraid is impossible."

"Start explaining."

"I did not want to explain in front of the boy, your son, as you call him."

"As I call him?"

"Allow me to continue. As you know, I observe you humans very carefully. At one point I examined your son, Charlie minutely. This was several years ago. After I discovered the particular qualities of your genes, but was unable to access them due to the protective code placed there by Thor, I attempted to return to studying Charlie, hoping he shared some of your unique qualities. However, my efforts were halted when I learned of his untimely demise. So, I returned to the studies I had previously done on Charlie. Every genetic code is saved in the base computor after a cloning. I accessed them, and incredibly, was able to replicate him. Apparently his DNA has, excuse me, had advanced even further than yours. This version has lasted much longer than the previous specimens."

"Previous specimens?" Jack choked out in horror. "You mean...this isn't Charlie? He said you cloned him, and it was the clone that died!"

"In order to ensure the stability of the specimen, I found it neccessary to give it the belief that it was the original. " It took several moments for this to sink in. Jack had found and lost his son once again in a period of 24 hours. As he regained composure, his outrage started kicking in.

"So, you've been making copies of my son all this time? How many have you...made? How dare you? You disgusting, pitiful excuse for a..." Jack approached the alien as his anger mounted to fury...


	6. Chapter 6

As Jack approached the alien he bumped against a force shield protecting Loki.

"You do not think I would leave myself unguarded with you? I knew very well what your reaction would be. I have studied you very closely and am aware of your irrational responses to our science."

"Irrational? No, what's irrational is your attempt at playing God! You try to go against the very fabric of nature...making copies of copies. That's why you people are dying! That's why we interest you so much: We're not like you. "

"Please do not judge all asgard by Loki's example, O'Neill." Thor's voice followed a glow of white from behind Jack. He turned and faced the asgard.

"I am very sorry for what has passed here, O'Neill. I'm afraid there is nothing I can do to remedy what has transpired."

"Yeah, yeah…what you can do is take me to Charlie."

"I do not think that the wisest course of action. He is dying, and will not survive much longer. I do not wish that you undergo the death of your son a second time. As I have said, there is nothing I can do. Loki managed to clone your son from mere trace samples. He was not engineered to live long."

"He has lasted longer than previous specimens. Within a few decades, I may create one that has a normal life-span." Loki interjected.

"NO! You're finished here. You leave my dead son alone. You will not try to raise him from the grave again." Jack said.

"But he is in every respect the same Charlie. He has the same memories, feelings and motivations. Based on my knowledge of your race, I don't see how you could reject the construction of indefinite numbers of new versions of your son. Don't you want him with you?" Loki was baffled.

Jack contemplated a moment, and at first Thor thought he was reconsidering. But then Jack looked up with determined eyes, "Charlie is dead. That boy in there is but a shadow of a memory left over in a computer and a tissue sample."

"Jack! Hey!" Daniel had been standing in the doorway long enough to have heard what had been said.

"We were transported up by Thor a few moments ago, sir." Carter added.

"Jack, that boy, that shadow as you call him, is in that room, dying alone, _feeling _alone. " Jack stared at the floor, refusing to acknowledge the statement.

"Shadow or no, you're his father, and if you leave him like this, you're merely a shadow of the man I thought you were." Daniel added seriously. That was enough for Jack.

"Okay, Daniel. Enough. Thor, let me see him. Alone." He added, looking around at his teammates.


	7. Conclusion

When Jack finally came to the room Loki had directed him to, he found Charlie in a dark corner of the room, laying in a medical module which displayed low life signs. How had the boy deteriated so quickly? Daniel and Thor were discussing this phenomenon when Jack had forced Charlie's location from Loki.

Thor told Daniel the emotional stress put on Charlie at the arrival of his long gone father had thrown him over the edge. Thor had readily admitted he did not understand the many intricacies of the human mind. Seemingly healthy "specimens" exibited strange behaviors at exposure to the original counterpart's life. According to Daniel, the Asgard could not comprehend the many facets of the human being: physical, emotional, phsychological, spiritual, moral... These were terms Thor had discovered in his study of the earth beings. Indeed, it seemed even the tau'ri did not comprehend their own existence; so many opinions circulated throughout centuries of history. Yes, Daniel had admitted, however, man's understanding of himself had grown with that history, building on the previous musings and writings of those that came before.

"Then our life-works are similar in nature, Daniel Jackson," Loki interjected. "We both are in search of the mystery of life. You through history, and I through science."

"Perhaps, but with very different ends and means." Daniel responded with smoldering indignation. "Hey, where's Jack?"

Jack was approaching the boy so like his son, yet so different. As he contemplated the boy's pallid and sweating face he was reminded eerily of a similar circumstance with an even more similar boy...

"The damage is beyond repair. Colonel, Mrs. O'Neill, I am very sorry." The doctor left the soon-to-be-bereft parents with their beloved son. As soon as the doctor had left the room, Sarah had sought Jack's eyes, looking for something, anything that would make this moment bearable. Instead of finding love, support, mutual sorrow, she found nothing...his eyes were an abyss. In that moment, she knew she had lost her husband even before her son. In despair, Sarah clung to Charlie's hand and sobbed uncontrollably. Jack moved mechanically to the opposite side of the bed and grasped his son's hand, sitting in silence as the precious hand turned cold. Beneath his breath he murmered "Forgive me Charlie, I'm so sorry!"

Tears streamed down Jack's face unto the boy's hands cradled in his own. "I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm so sorry!"

"Colonel...Sir..." Jack opened his eyes and was surprised to find himself on an alien ship, cradling a breathing version of his son in his quivering arms.

"Charlie! I"m so sorry. This is my fault..."

"Colonel...Charlie forgives you. He knew you loved him, wanted to play ball. You were a great dad. "

"Charlie, I..."

"I'm not Charlie, Jack. But I have his memories. I know how he felt about you, how he forgave you after the fight. You just never had a chance to talk. The truth is, I knew I was not really Charlie. I knew something was not right. At first I was angry with you and wanted to go with Loki. Gradually I realized that what you and Charlie had, the good and the bad, was not mine, was not ours. I knew this because Charlie's memories could not grow. I could not learn from them the way I could from my own. Soon, my feelings for home and you and Sarah dimmed. When I actually met you for the first time, the original experience brought a flood of emotions. I found I was not angry any more, but my brain would not accept what my heart did. I don't know the scientific explanation, but that's the truth.

"Well, whatever part of you is Charlie, and Charlie of me, I can definitely see the resemblance...scientific explanations have never been a forte of the O'Neills. However, that mouthful you just gave must come from Sarah, cause I sure would never run off like that..." Both paused and chuckled sadly..."The way I see it, you are not Charlie, but you are someone, and you cannot be both, so..."

"Yeah..." There was a pause as both pondered the inevitable. "You know, if Charlie had been able to think about all that happened, get a little older, he would have understood why you acted that way when you came back from your missions..." A fit of coughing cut the boy off midstream. When the coughing subsided, his breathing became shallower and shallower, until finally he drew his last breath.

At that moment the others entered the room, minus Loki, who had been transported to Thor's ship to answer for his actions.

"If we hurry, O'Neill, we can put him in stasis to await the time when we understand his physiology better."

"No, Thor. For once, lets let Nature take her course. She seems to know best."

Jack turned away from the boy and glanced at Thor, then Daniel.

"You know Jack, that's something to write down for future generations to learn from, so that we don't try to do the same thing the Asgard did."

"You know, Daniel, books and history are all great, but there are also some things you just have to learn for yourself."

"Like original experience?" Carter put in.

"Well said, Major. That's exactly it." Jack looked once more upon the still form of the boy, and then walked out of the room.

Author's note: I'm sorry it has taken so long to conclude this story. From now on I'll try to finish a story before posting a chapter. I just moved out of state and have been awhile transitioning. Enjoy and please leave your thoughts and comments. Let me know if you want to hear more from me! If the interest is there, I"ll put in the work.


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